Episode 33
MIDLIFE DATING. How to get that toxic man out of you head (so you can carry on being your fabulous self) - 33
Question
“What do you do when you can't get a man out of your head?”I want to message him so much but I know long term he's no good for me....how do you cope with that? What can I do to move past this horrible feeling that I'm never gonna meet anyone else? Sorry if this is not allowed I just feel so fucked up right now …
Hey, I had a great question and it's about dating, and I've got a feeling it's gonna resonate with some of you.
So the question is; What do you do when you can't get a man out of your head? I want to message him so much, but I know long term he's no good for me. How do you cope with that? How can I move past this horrible feeling that I'm never going to meet anyone else? So let's unpack this together.
Hey, my name is Star Monroe psychotherapist, turned your midlife dating bestie and I talk about reinvention, relationships, dating and sex in midlife.
So let's start at the beginning. And if you are to have better relationships, then you have to learn how to date differently. You have to plug back into yourself over and over and again and get clear on what is working for you and what isn't working for you. I call it becoming your very own dating detective. You want to create your very own dating dossier on what's tripping you up in the dating and relationship field. So if I was to look at the foundations you need to date successfully, to attract healthy, conscious love, you have to have a really good sense of who you are and what you want. You've got to know your dating intentions. And you've got to have a real deep understanding of what is the energy that you are dating with what is the energy that's coming out from your pores as you go out into the dating world and it doesn't matter if you're online dating or you're meeting people in real life, your energy speaks louder than you ever will.
So something that I've noticed and there's no shame because I noticed this with myself in the past and I see it with my clients is that a lot of people date because they want to fill a void in themselves. Maybe that void is that they don't feel good, the void is that they feel lonely. Loneliness is a big one. Maybe it's because they're living in this narrative that I'm never going to meet anybody and I've got to grab whoever's coming my way now. Or it could be - and I resonate with this one - the first person that was ever nice to me. I was like, that's great. And it was always like they picked me, they chose me, I never chose them. And this all comes back down to our self-identity, how we look at ourselves.
The journey around dating and relationships is the ultimate journey in self-love. It's the ultimate journey in really understanding and getting to know yourself at a deep level. And also it's going to be a big healing journey for a lot of you as well.
So if I go back to the question, what do you do when you can't get a man out of your head? I want to message him so much but I know long term he's no good for me. So what I want to pull out from this is that this lovely woman knows she knows that this guy is no good for her. And that's the first thing that I want to send her into is because women know you know what is right and what is wrong. You have such a powerful, instinctual capacity within you and yet the way that we live in a society, our patriarchal society, pulls us away from the wisdom of our body. And your job is to plug back into this wisdom over and over again. You are powerful and capable. You have just got to disrupt and agitate the conditioning and the identities and the stories that keep you second-guessing yourself as you choose to do things differently on this dating journey.
You are learning to choose yourself over and over again. The most important relationship you are ever going to have is the one with yourself, not with another it's always going to be with yourself. And that is going to be challenging. I'm not going to mollycoddle you and say that when you've ended something with a guy and you want to reach out to him, it's going to be easy. It's going to push you over your edge and you have to remember that in every single moment, you have a choice. You have a choice to choose yourself or choose patterns that do not serve you.
I have a tattoo on my arm and my background is years of self-destruction. And it says; make choices that liberate you. I remember when I had that tattooed on my left forearm, at the time I was still making choices that did not liberate me. That was the window, the door that I was walking through. I was cultivating the habit of making choices that liberate me more and more often. So in every single moment, please remember you have a choice to choose yourself or to choose external validation.
Now, this is something which you and every other woman have been brainwashed to believe she has to seek from the outside. And it is Princess archetypal energies and if you're moving through midlife, your rightful place is to step into and sit on your throne as a high-value Queen. And this is maturity, this is what an adult looks like. It looks like you are serving your own needs by meeting your own needs first and poor mostly it's you honouring how you feel and not dismissing them.
I want to dive into this question some more because it's always worth unpacking every tiny piece of it. She says I can't get this man out of my head. And then I reply, is this true? Or is this a story you're telling yourself? And I invite you to put aside the script for one second and allow yourself to feel what you're feeling without the story because when you're in the story, you're going to keep going round and round and you won't get out of your head and your job is to recognise you are in a story and move underneath it and ask; how am I feeling right now? How am I feeling? And without spending time with the woman who's asked this question? I've got no idea how she's feeling yet. I can take a calculated guess she's probably feeling sad. She's probably feeling very alone right now. And fear is running the show. And I would say that fear is running the show because she goes on in her question to say how do I move past this horrible feeling that I'm never going to meet anyone ever again? And your quest is to acknowledge how you're feeling and then really allow yourself to be with these feelings and that takes time.
It's a skill that you need to build up, as you feel these feelings and welcome them into your world because these feelings want to be acknowledged. They're parts of you that are going hey, I'm feeling like this right now. Can you please acknowledge me? Can you please just tell me you see me? And isn't that what you want? You want people to see you. You want people to acknowledge you. You want people to validate you and if you want that you have to learn to see and validate yourself. You have to learn to accept all these parts of you. And then as you drop into that, you ask the question, what do I need right now? And I get it like if you're in this swirl of I need to reach out to him you'll kick back we actually will be I need to reach out to that man. But this is your reaction to the pain you are feeling. Let me say that one more time because this is so important. This is your reaction to the pain you are feeling. It's like he has become a drug you need you think you need to absolve your pain. And yes, yes, yes, yes, it will numb your pain for a little while. But this is a quick fix to a long-term problem. But in the long term, it won't solve or change anything for you.
I would return to the facts from this question. He's no good for me. You are learning how to be good for yourself. Let me say that again. You are learning how to be good for yourself. You are learning how to sit with your emotions and take care of your needs. There is nothing more powerful than that. You don't just have to feel sad, alone and fearful. You can feel sad and you can feel joy, you can feel fearful and you can feel expansive, you can feel scared and you can feel happiness. So I would breathe, breathe or it's always a good idea to breathe. Breathe a little deeper. Drop back into your body. Get yourself out of your head. Dance if that feels good for you, or go for a walk. There is wisdom in your legs. Did you know that? Did you know that your legs are a wisdom centre? And so as you move there's this rhythmic to and fro that soothes your nervous system. Distract yourself with a good movie. Share your process with either a therapist or good friends that will hold the space for you and not try to fix you because this is the thing there's nothing to fix. You're learning to be in the process with yourself.
I'll use this quote: Rome wasn't built in a day but it was built with patience and intention. And this is how you are building yourself, you're cultivating your identity as a high-value queen in midlife, you're building your identity as an adult, a mature adult and it's not gonna come easy. There are obstacles that are going to come your way, things are going to want to pull you down the path of all patenting and that's all part and parcel of it. It's an invitation for you to observe yourself. With kind eyes to slow your roll.
There's another part in the question, and she says I'm never going to meet anyone else ever again. I want to remind you that there are 3.97 billion men on the planet. There are plenty of men out there there are plenty of future beaus, lovers, dates, partners. There are billions of men out there.
Remember, keep coming back to this you are learning to choose yourself you are learning to elevate your standards for what you will and when you won't accept now when you learn to elevate your standards, what you have to get used to is feeling fucking uncomfortable with the new standards that you set yourself. It's going to feel unusual to your inner world, your subconscious, and your body. And yet, a reminder is to say softly to yourself, I'm safe here. I'm okay. I'm safe. I'm choosing myself. I'm choosing a new path. I don't yet know all the answers and yet I will find the answers. This journey of self-growth of elevating yourself in the dating relationship and sex world is not easy yet it is so worth it. Especially if you are a woman who wants so much more for herself. And her personal journey is important to her, her personal growth is important to her. You have to learn how to manage your nervous system and become more aware of when you are in your head. Like you're going over and over the stories and you're wanting to react. Trust that you are in flight, fawn and freeze.
And your job is to acknowledge that and drop back into your parasympathetic nervous system. And again, I've already given you clues on that. And acknowledge, breathe, dance, go for a walk, distract yourself with a good movie, and take a time out. I always say to myself when I'm reacting to life when I'm reacting to people I know I am in my fight and flight response and I have to come back into my world. I have to minimize my contact with people. And there's a great author. Her name is Clarissa Pinkola-Estes and she says women have to learn how to take a timeout and lick their own wounds. It's really important.
And remember, you have to cultivate the courage and tenacity to stick with your emotions. This is not going to happen overnight yet it will happen. The more you choose yourself over and over again. If I go back and complete this, if I see this question again; she says at the end of the question 'What can I do to move past this horrible feeling that I'm never going to meet anybody else? I feel so fucked up right now."
So let me just unpack the last part of the question. This is another story that does not serve you. I feel so fucked up right now. I bet my bottom dollar that this is evoking a sense of failure, and despondency. Failure is normal. Life is messy. You're messy. I'm messy. And yet we've got to choose the stories. You've got to choose stories that build you up and instil a sense of courage, bravery and confidence inside you. So, tell the truth. It's not that you're feeling fucked up right now.
It's your feeling. I'm feeling sad and feeling alone. I'm scared of being alone. And yet maybe my lesson here is to learn how to be with myself. Wow, like could be a real lesson, a door opening up for you to cultivate a deeper relationship with yourself. I feel scared right now. And I am probably guessing that your inner child is kicking up and your inner child we all have to learn how to repair our inner child. And I feel so fucked up right now. I am probably guessing I want to run away from my pain. I want to numb my pain out and guess what you want to get back in contact with a man because he is your elixir to take away to numb the pain. And yet, the truth is I know I have to sit with these feelings. I know I'm not okay right now, but I will be okay. I know I am learning a new way of moving through life and a new way of relationship with myself, which will then have ripple effects on how I relate with everyone else in my world.
Gently onwards, my friends gently onwards my friends. If you love what you hear, then please subscribe, share me with your friends and if you want to dive deeper into the world of Star Monroe click www.msStarmonroe.com
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® Star Monroe is a psychotherapist and midlife dating bestie helping you create your very own wild love affair with life, love & your libido.
