Another perspective on the common phrase "Don't take it personally" - 50

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY!

How many times has someone said this sentence to you and instead of making you feel better, it has left you feeling unheard and a little upset?

In the best-selling book The 4 Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz tells us 'not to take anything personally' and tells us when we follow his advice freedom is waiting as no one can hurt us anymore.

I had to read this book on my yoga training many years ago, we were told to absorb all his teachings in this book and live our lives following his advice.

But something just didn't sit right for me. I couldn't imagine in my role as a psychotherapist telling clients of mine "don't take it personally." For in uttering these words I'm a) not meeting them where they are at and b) I'm totally dismissing their feelings.

So let's take this to a real life experience.

I was talking to a friend the other day and mentioned I was feeling hurt about something that had happened between us the previous week.

This friend told me "the problem with you is that you always take things so personally".

I really didn't take kindly to this as in that instant my feelings were dismissed and it felt like my friend was taking zero responsibility for their part in this situation, which then made it impossible to find common ground where we could both be heard, understood and move on.

Good communication is a skill we need to learn if we are to find ways of coming together rather than falling apart. We have no idea what is going on with other people, but invariably most of us have triggers and boo boos that can be activated by other people's actions/words.

If we are to forge better relationships with each other we need to know if we are harming others with our actions and speech and take responsibility. We need to be aware and sensitive to the times we miss the mark.

So if someone says to you "you take things too personally" please know there is nothing wrong with you. It takes two to tango and all parties need to see each other's perspective with kindness for these sticky episodes to dissolve.

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® Star Monroe is a midlife psychotherapist and relationship coach helping you create your very own wild love affair with life, love & your libido.